A couple’s 24-year marriage faced near-collapse after a stillbirth during their first surrogacy attempt, despite their reputation as a “most together couple.”
The wife, who had endometriosis, adenomyosis, and early menopause, endured decades of undiagnosed medical issues that depleted her fertility, leading to multiple miscarriages with IVF and IUIs. These conditions, compounded by a medical system that trivialized her symptoms, also rattled their intimacy, upended her career, and turned her husband into her caretaker. Their struggles in their 20s and 30s, marked by life-altering challenges, set the stage for their later decisions.
A Compromise That Felt Liberating—At First
The couple opted for an egg donor and a gestational surrogate, initially feeling liberated by this decision. They believed finding a surrogate would be the hardest part, but they were unprepared for the challenges ahead.
Their first experience was marred by an unethical agency with a fraudulent history, which they didn’t uncover until later. The wife felt alone in her skepticism of the agency and unease with the surrogate’s mood fluctuations, which made her feel increasingly isolated during the pregnancy.
Three Mistakes That Nearly Broke Their Marriage
The wife handled most communication with the surrogate and legal/financial paperwork, feeling overwhelmed and resentful. Her husband, Ethan, thought he was being supportive by letting her take the lead, but this imbalance added to her stress. Their different grieving styles, hers introspective, his compartmentalizing, created distance and tension, especially after the stillbirth.
After the loss, they struggled with grief and medical indifference. The wife’s depression and anger clashed with Ethan’s need for normalcy, leading to frequent arguments. The medical system’s lack of support, treating them as non-parents, exacerbated their pain.
Over time, through self-awareness, respect, and therapy, they made three shifts that saved their marriage. They formed a better team, learned to grieve together, and reconnected beyond their fertility struggles, rediscovering the joie de vivre that had defined their relationship.
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With their second surrogate, they chose a more ethical agency and shared responsibilities. They grieved as a unit, held space for each other’s emotions, and prioritized their relationship by setting boundaries around surrogacy discussions, ensuring their marriage remained central.
They rediscovered their pre-surrogacy connection, carved out grief-free time, and planned leisure activities. Their focus shifted to supporting each other in the present, moment by moment, rebuilding their bond with intentionality.
Building a Stronger Team
With their second surrogate, the couple formed a true partnership with her, sharing appointments, decisions, and daily life. This surrogate, found through a more ethical agency, encouraged their involvement and used the word “together” often, which initially felt foreign after their first experience.
Ethan prioritized participation in conversations and replied to group texts, ensuring a shared responsibility. They built an intimacy with the surrogate, sharing fears, dreams, and inside jokes. This expanded their marriage to include her, even when she wasn’t physically present, creating a unique and supportive dynamic.
Grieving as a Unit
After losing their baby with the second surrogate, the couple grieved together, sitting intertwined and holding hands. They learned to take turns in their grief, with Ethan being more receptive to his wife’s needs and she, in turn, understanding his need for social activities.
They set boundaries around surrogacy discussions, avoiding the topic on weekends and before bed. Dark humor became a way to cope, and they made a conscious effort to savor new experiences together, setting aside money for leisure and travel to create positive memories.
The couple focused on the present, taking care of each other in the next half-hour, deciding on a walk, preparing supper, or offering immediate support. They worked to keep their eyes on each other, rebuilding their connection until it felt natural again, proving that small, consistent efforts can mend even the deepest wounds.
